Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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