Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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