I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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