so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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