my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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