We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
