so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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