is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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