Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
not ubering you a puppy
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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