Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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