Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
