I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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