you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
