I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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