Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
