New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
