i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
