I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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