all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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