Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
