Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize