isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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