Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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