Dual....:-)
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
