K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
