Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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