She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
