New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
