sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
