So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
