You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
