the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
