it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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