It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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