I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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