Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
