just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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