my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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