there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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