it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dicks are not precious.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
