Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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