Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
