No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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