I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
