My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I supernannyed him into submission
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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