hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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