apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
