He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
