A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
