At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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