I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My penis needs a shock collar
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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