someone get that fucking seahorse.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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