did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
