she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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