u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
