Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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