The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Randomize
