By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
