Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
